Mitch Hedberg = Awesome

Mitch Hedberg was a stand-up comedian known for his subdued delivery. Mitch’s odd subject matter, and memorable routines  often consisted of a string of one-line observations. With most comics you knew where their jokes are headed. But with Mitch, you had no idea. So with the anniversary of his death coming up, I thought I would give you guys some of my favorite Mitch Quotes:

“I got an ant farm… them ‘fellas didn’t grow shit.”

“Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning.”

“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamous?”

“Remember that show ‘My Three Sons’? It’d be funny if it was called ‘My One Dad’… wait, what?”

“I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,”Forget everything you know about slipcovers.” So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn’t know what the hell they were.”

“I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today. She asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale.”

“I saw a lady on T.V. She was born without arms. Literally, she was born with her hands attached to her shoulders… and that was sad, but then they said, “Lola does not know the meaning of the word ‘can’t.’” And that to me was kinda worse… in a way… ya know? Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn’t understand simple contractions. It’s very simple Lola, you just take two words, you put them together, then you take out the middle letters, you put a comma in there and you raise it up!”

“When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it’s busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say “Dufranes, party of two. Dufranes, party of two.” And if no one answers they’ll say their name again. “Dufranes, party of two, Dufranes, party of two.” But then if no one answers they’ll just go right on to the next name. “Bush, party of three.” Yeah, what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! You fuckers are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone’s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they’re hungry. That’s a double whammy. Bush, search party of three, you can eat when you find the Dufranes.”

Thank you Mitch Hedberg, for all the laughs! You are missed, and I’m sure god hasnt stoped laughing.